Do we need honesty in relationships?

The goal of living is to generate minimum emotional residue.

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Internally, honesty achieves this, as we are relieved that there are no complications involved, no lies to remember, no pitfalls in future discussions. Externally, the other person is also aware of all circumstances and is in sync. He or she can then respond with honesty in his or her own way and a second step is made on firm ground. This is enlightened relationship.

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But unfortunately, we are mostly not so divine. If the receiver of honesty is not equipped to handle it, there is great emotional charge generated that is sure to leave emotional residue -- as grief, resentment, defensiveness etc. Over time, maybe the receiver also becomes more equipped to handle honesty. However, the skill of the first person lies in being a responsible judge of how much load of honesty will leave minimum emotional residue in the whole system.

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Honesty per se should not be a code of living. It should be a tool, like ego can be used as a tool, to flow through life generating minimum residue.

Meeting Mr Righteous

There are people who feel "righteous" and others who just feel "right".

Righteousness is associated with pomposity, sometimes hypocrisy. It means whatever I have done was the right thing to do, just because I have done it. It is ego-based.

Rightness means I have felt inside me what was the right thing to do, I have acted accordingly, and my convictions have not changed immediately after seeing the reaction to my action. That gives a feeling of rightness filled with peace that can easily rise above others' opinions.

A person who feels rightness will not try to convince others about the reasons for their actions; approval of others is not so important.

Second chance

Do you know when do we get a second chance at growing up? When we ourselves become parents. 

The best way to teach the child is to walk the talk. We know all about good behaviour and moral values in theory, but when we try to teach it to our children and if we take a moment to review whether our own behaviour is reflecting what we are talking about, we shall find ourselves short on various fronts. 

This is the opportunity for believing whole-heartedly in the importance of providing a role-model and doing those small corrections, those adjustments to our way of life, that will ensure that the values that we wish our children to learn is reinforced by the life that they witness at home. In the process, we ourselves can rejuvinate our stilted personalities and grow again.

Loaded gun

In giving us free will, the Divine has trusted us with a loaded gun. We can decide to spread light or wreak havoc. Choices are to be made with responsibility. 

It is also important to realise that choices ARE being made at every point of time.

Waves and floods

Feelings are of two types -- waves and floods. 

All reactive feelings are like waves. Anger comes in a wave. Desire comes in a wave. We feel a wave of envy. A wave of sorrow washes over us. If we are aware that they are reactions and just waves, they subside again safely and do not spill over the brim of our internal emotional world and become a reactive action in the external physical world. 

Sometimes when wave after wave comes, the feeling settles down to a high steady level, like a flooded land. Desire purifying into love is such a feeling. Anger burning permanently as hatred is such a feeling. Sorrow solidifying into grief is also such a feeling. Actions arise continually out of this flood almost without control and become part of our nature. 

The wise one treats the wave as a wave. He does not allow them to become part of his nature. Except for Love (which is the sea itself), he guards against any other basis of spontaneous action.

Is honesty enough?

Honesty is not a substitute for right action. It is but the basis of ensuring that right action can be executed without a tremor. 

Right action is essential. Without honesty of feelings, right action needs to follow an external code. With honesty of feelings and motives, right action arises spontaneously from the heart. Being honest about one's own faults is just a step. A thief honestly saying he is a thief and continuing thieving will win no favour with the judge. 

Right action, following an external code or one's own heart as the case may be, is the constituent of character.

Love and attachment

Love and attachment are opposite in nature. 

In love, we surrender to the loved one, saying:"Tell me what you want. I'm with you." In attachment we say:"I want you in this way." In love we say:"I cannot hurt you." In attachment we say:"Please do not hurt me like this." Love is outward - a donation. Attachment is inward - an expectation. 

Can love be there for a single person at the cost of others? That is attachment. Love is Non-violence. That cannot be practiced for a single person. When non-violence against one means violence against another, then love is Dharma - the action of basic rightness. 

Practised in full disclosure and honesty, love is Truth.