Do we need honesty in relationships?

The goal of living is to generate minimum emotional residue.

.

Internally, honesty achieves this, as we are relieved that there are no complications involved, no lies to remember, no pitfalls in future discussions. Externally, the other person is also aware of all circumstances and is in sync. He or she can then respond with honesty in his or her own way and a second step is made on firm ground. This is enlightened relationship.

.

But unfortunately, we are mostly not so divine. If the receiver of honesty is not equipped to handle it, there is great emotional charge generated that is sure to leave emotional residue -- as grief, resentment, defensiveness etc. Over time, maybe the receiver also becomes more equipped to handle honesty. However, the skill of the first person lies in being a responsible judge of how much load of honesty will leave minimum emotional residue in the whole system.

.

Honesty per se should not be a code of living. It should be a tool, like ego can be used as a tool, to flow through life generating minimum residue.

Is honesty enough?

Honesty is not a substitute for right action. It is but the basis of ensuring that right action can be executed without a tremor. 

Right action is essential. Without honesty of feelings, right action needs to follow an external code. With honesty of feelings and motives, right action arises spontaneously from the heart. Being honest about one's own faults is just a step. A thief honestly saying he is a thief and continuing thieving will win no favour with the judge. 

Right action, following an external code or one's own heart as the case may be, is the constituent of character.

What is dishonesty?

Honesty, as a matter of fact, has no relevence in the past or future. 

What is dishonesty actually? Normally if I understand something in one way and talk about it in another way, I would be called dishonest. But that is actually misrepresentation. I am fully aware of this gap and a acting with a particular objective in mind. 

Dishonesty is the gap between the "real" and the "understood". The only thing real to us are our thoughts and feelings. When our perception of ourselves becomes a distorted view of what actually passes through our minds, dishonesty happens. The distortions are driven by what we would like ourselves to be, which blanks out thoughts and emotions that do not match this image. Someone once said: "There are usually two reasons for doing something - the real one, and the one which sounds good." 

The first and only thing to be honest about is ourselves, our thoughts and feelings arising continuously in our conciousness, and the conclusions that we draw about our nature on that basis. This can happen only in the present moment. Let us be intensely aware of all that is happeneing inside us at the present moment. Let us be honest with ourselves and act based on that honesty. The action that follows will be spontaneous and without effort and will leave little residue. 

Only in the concious Now can Honesty happen. The rest is Misrepresentation.

Honesty and freedom

A relationship cannot have honesty and freedom at the same time. 

In a relationship, the expression of one person's feelings affects another. When there is such an effect, there is a lack of freedom. When, through a commitment to honesty, one person expresses, his/her feelings to the other, the other person is bound to feel pressurised to change his/her behaviour. 

If there is full honesty and full freedom at the same time, the people involved have, in fact, transcended the need for a relationship.