Soft and swift

In the ideal friend or partner, we look for two attritibutes:

• He or she should be sensitive to other's feelings
• He or she should be action-oriented and should take corrective measure

Obviously this is a bit of idealism, as most people are either one or the other - or neither.

The person may be very sensitive, understand what you need, with strong perspective and quick choice of what is the right thing to do but - too lazy to act. After some time the initial euphoria of having an 'understanding' friend wears off and we wish he would get up and do the things he talks about.

Or the person may be action-oriented. A good person overall because he (henceforth 'he' for simplicity) tries to correct whatever comes to his notice and is always circumspect in his dealings. But alas, he understands so little of what is really required in a relationship. He comes forth as a 'good guy' to people who are not close to him, but is an uncaring brute and a disappointment to those who are close to him and need his understanding and care to remain wholesome.

If you by chance get a friend who is both, just do not let go because such people are very rare and precious.

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Do we need honesty in relationships?

The goal of living is to generate minimum emotional residue.

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Internally, honesty achieves this, as we are relieved that there are no complications involved, no lies to remember, no pitfalls in future discussions. Externally, the other person is also aware of all circumstances and is in sync. He or she can then respond with honesty in his or her own way and a second step is made on firm ground. This is enlightened relationship.

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But unfortunately, we are mostly not so divine. If the receiver of honesty is not equipped to handle it, there is great emotional charge generated that is sure to leave emotional residue -- as grief, resentment, defensiveness etc. Over time, maybe the receiver also becomes more equipped to handle honesty. However, the skill of the first person lies in being a responsible judge of how much load of honesty will leave minimum emotional residue in the whole system.

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Honesty per se should not be a code of living. It should be a tool, like ego can be used as a tool, to flow through life generating minimum residue.

Love and attachment

Love and attachment are opposite in nature. 

In love, we surrender to the loved one, saying:"Tell me what you want. I'm with you." In attachment we say:"I want you in this way." In love we say:"I cannot hurt you." In attachment we say:"Please do not hurt me like this." Love is outward - a donation. Attachment is inward - an expectation. 

Can love be there for a single person at the cost of others? That is attachment. Love is Non-violence. That cannot be practiced for a single person. When non-violence against one means violence against another, then love is Dharma - the action of basic rightness. 

Practised in full disclosure and honesty, love is Truth.

Fly a kite

Sustaining a relationship is like flying a kite. Strong jerks can break the thread. Stresses and difficulties abound, but should be evenly spread and quickly released. 

At the same time, these temporay grievances are the mechanisms through which the relationship rises to another level. Too much slack will make it hit the ground. 

A relationship can grow only if it keeps hitting boundaries, keeps recognising the needs of the other person. When the need does not register, there is no caring response, and the relationship simply floats apart. 

 In its infancy, it needs a lot of skill and care to avoid the ground obstacles -- buildings, trees and lamp-posts. Only after it reaches some height can it fly freely, leaving other entanglements behind. 

 An enlightened relationship, like a high-flying kite, embodies freedom and unlimited vision of the mind.

Is effort admirable?

Where there is an effort, there was no intention. 

An intention is a spontaneous willingness to act, arising from feeling. An effort is an intellectual proposal, where the intellect says there is need to act in a certain manner whereas the heart is silent. 

The value of receiving anything in a relationship, be it words or action, lies in the heart innate in it. Let us never ask for an effort, because, if it has not come by itself, it will now come without heart. Whatever comes without asking is pure and accompanied by love, and is worth feeling grateful for.

Honesty and freedom

A relationship cannot have honesty and freedom at the same time. 

In a relationship, the expression of one person's feelings affects another. When there is such an effect, there is a lack of freedom. When, through a commitment to honesty, one person expresses, his/her feelings to the other, the other person is bound to feel pressurised to change his/her behaviour. 

If there is full honesty and full freedom at the same time, the people involved have, in fact, transcended the need for a relationship.