The first step

As I grew older in life, passed through difficult times and gained 'wisdom', was able to tell what is the 'right' decision to take in a situation, I found that for me it became more dificult to make out what is right and for whom it is right. It was displayed time and again how absolutely individualistic are our experiences, how self-serving even the simplest decision. Even a great sacrifice for a loved one IS self-serving, because it serves the attachment that we have towards the person. We would not feel like making that same sacrifice for a non-loved one.

Similarly, it is a great past-time to advise people because our experience, in our eyes, is vast, our judgement universal, and the acceptance of our advice mandatory. When I just decide to close my eyes to this whole shebang and look at the bed of the lake, the only person to understand, moderate and deal with is Myself. Approach towards others in our life finally boils down to a few simple emotional directives:

1. Before judging, understand. Simply understand. Accept that what the other person is feeling is TRUE - it is true to him or her, before it becomes right or wrong. Acknowledge that truth of its existence.
2. Before advising, help. Before advising someone to buy a dish-washer, help her to wash dishes by hand, standing beside her. Before asking someone to get a grip on himself and get out of the emotional quagmire he is in, be in that quagmire with him and struggle for some time.

That way, one becomes a soothing influence. We are not here to change the world order. The world changes as a sum total all the time. We are here to ensure that the progression is smooth, that's all.
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Halo effect

In a group, how often have you heard the comment: "He is not a good chap! Only involved in work - no time for family at all."; or a similar remark that labels a person thoroughly and paints him from head to foot because of one aspect of his life? 

Judgement, an unavoidable aspect of thought, has two qualities that compromise fairness. One is that it is subjective; it depends on who is judging and what that person's value system is. A judgement reveals as much about the judge as the judged. The other is, it suffers from halo effect, something which comes through in the dialogue mentioned earlier. 

 A person lives his life through roles. His understanding of these roles are fed in during his growing up years. He has a mental map of what is the role of a father, son, employee, husband, friend social worker, patriot. They all involve certain activities. Activities consume resource, be it time or money. How to allocate a resource in case of a constraint comes out of his value system. So it may end up that if he has to spend one hour at work and one hour with family and has only one hour in hand, he may give it to work. His value system may say:"I am paid for working and my first priority is work". Another person's value system may say: "I live for my family and beyond working hours they get priority". If we really have to pass an opinion on a person (we'll avoid judging), we have to see him in all roles. It is very rare that a person can excel in all roles. A good employee may be a poor family-man. A good wife may be a poor mother. A good son may turn out a poor patriot. If we look at only one role and pass an opinion on the whole set, that is halo effect. 

 Of course, it is best not to pass an opinion at all. That person's value system is also a sort of given and beyond his capability to modify. But then, what to talk about at parties?